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Cornfed: There's Duckman T-shirts, Happy Meals, condoms, tequila suppositories, aluminum siding, there are Duckman pajamas with peek-a-boo butt flaps, there's Duckman cereal with strawberry Duckman pinch toasted wheat women, there's Duckman Dairy-erre frozen yogurt, Simply Duckman-scented love oils, Duckman tartar control tuckus toothpaste with its pinch-able butt-shaped dispenser, and Duckman kung-fu action figures with the plier-like grip for that extra inch of pinch. Cornfed: The closet full of Sansabelt Armanis, the Avian waterbed, the 350 pounds of Mallomars, the surround sound CD system you listened to while checking out the Sheryl Crow album cover for visible panty lines... Iggy: Welcome to the World Domination League, the secret force behind every conspiracy: The death of Elvis, what really happened to Monroe, Hendrix, Morrison. Duckman: I just want to get home for my kids' birthday, but this whole leaf-blowing, false-advertising, traffic-stopping, tax-dollar-squandering, workers-on-permanent-coffee-break, upper-class-money-dodging, stolen-car-parts-dealing, sign-changing society won't let me! You tell them an ice-breaker or two about women's libbers, gays, environmentalists, several minorities, the homeless, couple of religions, anorexics, obese people, the handicapped, old farts, baldness and people who walk real goofy 'cause they just had a vasectomy and suddenly, they get all sensitive, like I'd offended one of them or something!

Mambo: You get the sense the gene pool around here could use a little more chlorine? This is the heartland, the soul of our country, the moral center of our national identity. Demented, bug-eyed but strangely compelling in that off-beat kind of way, kidnapper: We're no TV show! I want a hard target search of every outhouse, beach house, warehouse, boat house, smoke house, clubhouse, ice house, hot house, White House, crack house, bath house, dog house, cat house, reptile house, halfway house, slaughter house, haunted house, gingerbread house, and Joe Eszterhas in the tri-swamp area. But everything else was us: The rise of Communism, the fall of Communism, getting prayers out of schools, getting sex on TV, the way pens don't work in the post office, the Olsen twins. Maybe I could be a little more tactful when it comes to dealing with women, co-workers, service route handlers, census takers, the sheet metal workers union, people who bought Kathie Lee CD of Christmas songs, small, high-strung, butt-ugly dogs, kids with really funny birthmarks on their faces, peppers, Trekkers, boomers, buppies, slackers...

Duckman is the cheapest, sleaziest, most incompetent private investigator in the world; he's also a lousy father, a small-time crook, and... He and his family are all walking, talking, tax-paying -type animal world.

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